JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! It's the last guest script of the season as Jack goes back to high school where his greatest enemies are waiting for him!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP We're pleased to present our 100th gallery with Disney's latest CGI shit-fest, The Wild, and a special tribute to the weirdest photoshopper of all, Hazelrabbit!
	NEW REVIEWS! Lucky Number Slevin, Basic Instinct 2, and Inside Man have gone on the chopping block.  Two are good, one is bad.  Which is which?  If you're an idiot and can't figure it out, check out the reviews.
	FORUM FUN Between putting back up the old stuff and adding craploads of new stuff, there are over fifty new images for message board combat waiting for you at Forum Fun!
	THE ARCADE We've debuted four new games and rotated some of the older ones.  Check out what you can play now!

That's all I got this week.  Happy Easter!

Friday, April 21, 2006

QUICK JOKE

Princess Diana is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.  Upon seeing the horrible shape that she's in when she arrives, Peter says, "Oh my dear, what happened to you?"

Diana answers, "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse than I do!"

Half an hour later Dodi shows up. "My God," St. Peter gasps, "you look terrible."

"This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver," Dodi tells him.

Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says, "So you're the driver?"

"No, I'm Mother Theresa!"

QUICK JOKE II

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?"

He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off."

QUICK JOKE III

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That’s right."

So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.

"Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

QUICK JOKE IV

George W. Bush pulls up to the White House in a brand new convertible.  Dick Cheney catches him outside. "George," he says, "You can't go and buy things like that with government money with as much trouble as your in!  Do you want your approval rating to sink even lower?"

"It's cool, Dick," Bush tells him, "You see I was driving back from the airport in the Presidential limo when it broke down.  Well, I've got to get back here for my speechifying and things so I decide to hitch a ride.  That's when the most beautiful blonde college coed drives up in this car and says, 'Wow, you're the president!'"  Well, I get in the car with her and she drives me towards the White House but just before we get here, she pulls into a parking garage, takes off all of her clothing and says, 'Take what you want, Mr. President!'"

Cheney is astounded, "My God, that's incredible!  What did you do?"

"I took the car 'cause I didn't think that the clothes would fit me."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

You're always hearing about how movies are going back into The Disney Vault but have you ever wondered exactly what it's like in there?

Be patient.  Video takes a while to load.

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! The end of the season is quickly approaching and we've got the first part of the five part finale up and ready for you!
	AWESOME MYSTERIES YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF It's a brand new Crap Factory exhibit!  Ever hear of mysterious green children?  How about a 2000 year old electric battery?
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP We've skewered Silent Hill and American Dreamz and have joined in the exciting world of unnecessary product placement!  Enjoy!
	NEW REVIEWS! Scary Movie 4 has been weighed, measured, and found acceptable.
	FORUM FUN There's more Forum Fun this week!  Check it out!

And that, as they say, is that.  go buy a hybrid jackass.

 

 

Sunday, April 30, 2006

QUICK JOKE

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

QUICK JOKE II

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

QUICK JOKE III

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"

QUICK JOKE IV

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants! You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and starts to sing.....

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Yes, I'm back to Bush-bashing.  Enjoy this amazingly edited music video.

Dear Tilr,

How the hell do you pronounce "Tilr" anyway?  Did your cat walk across your keyboard and you thought, "Hey, that's a nice name!" or did you actually come up with that strange amalgamation of letters on purpose?

Actually, you know what?  Don't answer, I don't care.

Be happy to know that by changing your mind and deciding not to buy one of those ghastly substitute for a massive penis, you are no longer stupid.  I have mailed you a frameable certificate stating this and if it doesn't reach you it's probably Bush's fault.

Stay SUV-Free!

Love,
Donner

SO LONG, DICKLER... SHUT UP, VOTEFORTHEWORST.COM!

Oh, shame of shame... I saw the unbelievably bad performance on Wednesday night, but I missed actually seeing that dirty whore, Kellie Pickler kicked off the show.  I wonder if she cried on stage.

Don't tell me she didn't... just leave me my fantasy of seeing that trailer trash slut drowning in her own sweet sweet tears.

So, yeah, all the crap performers are finally off American Idol.  No more Gayce, Sucky, or Dickler.  None of these people are gumming up the works and now American Idol can finally be a real competition.

But now I have to bitch a little bit because, let's face it, it wouldn't be the Slightly Warped Website Blog if I didn't bitch about something.  Votefortheworst.com.  You've seen this, right?  It's the website that encourages people to call in and vote for person they perceive as the worst performer on American Idol.

Some call them mean, some call them hilarious, I watch them with muted interest.

Well, their first flagship contestant this year was Kevin "Chicken Little" Covais which was understandable because he did suck and had no business being on the show.  But when he was voted off not too long into the competition, it was a huge blow to VFTW since they've time and time again made the grandiose claim that they were the ones who kept the porky screecher Scott Savol in the competition so long last year and that they have such an enormous sway over the show.

Instead of moving to the next worst contestant like Ace or Bucky, VFTW latched on to Kellie Pickler.  An odd choice.  While she not the best singer in the competition, I'd hardly call her the worst but VFTW said that they were backing her because she was a liar and that her personality was fake.

Um... Okay, I thought that they were backing bad singers, but whatever.

So, Kellie stayed in as Ace, Bucky, and Mandisa (done in by some supposedly anti-gay comments and a terrible performance) fell to the wayside.  VFTW took credit for Kellie staying on American Idol saying that it was their influence - and not the fact that there were worse singers and she was a hot babe - that kept her alive.  I'm sure being a hot babe had nothing to do with it.  Really.

And now Pickler's gone.  Did VFTW decide to just cut their losses and pack it in this season?  No, now they are encouraging people to vote for Taylor Hicks.  Taylor!  Not because he's a bad singer, but because he would be a marketing nightmare!

And so we have the sad story of votefortheworst.com, an irrelevant website and some irrelevant people trying desperately to make themselves look relevant.

I'm sure that Taylor will do very well (he is an awesome entertainer, has a great personality, tremendous charisma, and a great voice) and, yeah, he even has a chance to win it and, if he does, the non-entities at votefortheworst.com will be patting themselves on the back and bragging about how much influence they carry in the world and inflating their ego all the more.

I'm not fooled.  Don't you be either.

GOODBYE GRANDMA

So, why the late update?

I wish I could say it was because of laziness or my forgetting how to work a computer, but it was a much sadder reason.

If you'll remember a couple of weeks back I told you about how my wife's grandmother decided to stop kidney dialysis and allow herself to die.  She was tired of the pain, tired of feeling helpless, and just wanted, in her words, to go home and be with Jesus.

On Sunday, after several days of Hospice "care" which resorted to little more than pumping her so full of drugs she didn't know up from down, she got her wish.  The pain stopped and she went home.

I only knew this woman for the last four years, but in those four years this frail one-eyed lady won my heart.  She was an absolute sweetheart who never raised her voice in anger and who welcomed everyone into her life and into her home.  She refused to call me a grandson-in-law, I was her grandson and she was my grandma.  She's only been gone a week and I already miss her terribly.

My in-laws and I spent most of last week in Hot Springs Arkansas preparing for the funeral.  It was tough, we were all tired, and the funeral home that was recommended to us by family was an incompetent collection of the laziest people I've ever come in contact with.  These were the kind of people that you had to poke with sticks before they would do anything.

Still, the funeral went off without a hitch, it was a very pleasant and very moving ceremony, and now I've got another hole in my heart that I know will never quite close all the way up again.

Also, I have to say, Hot Springs Arkansas is an awesome little town which is aptly named.  Downtown, there are natural hot springs that pump hot water to the surface which is sprayed out in fountains and in a pretty spectacular waterfall.  Plus, any city that proudly proclaims itself as the boyhood home of Bill Clinton is okay in my book.

Hey, say what you will about the man... but imagine my sorrow having to drive back into Texas and seeing the sign "Proud home of President George W. Bush" on the state line.  Yeah, Bill had his scandals... but they were fun scandals and, unlike Dubya's, didn't make you think that you were doomed.

While I'm happy that Mamaw got the funeral that she wanted with her family and friends present, it really got me to thinking... really, what's the point?  We buried grandma in a beautiful purple and white casket with an embroidered rose on the inside lid.  It brought my mother in law some comfort because Mamaw liked purple, but why spend four thousand dollars on a pretty box you're going to bury and never see again?

As Christians, we believe that our souls go to heaven that that a dead body is simply a shell.  Why spend so much money burying a shell?

I spoke to my wife on the car ride back and I told her that I want to be cremated when I die and that I want my ashes scattered on an Alaskan glacier.  She told me that she wants to be cremated and that her ashes are to be scattered in Hawaii.  So what a great idea!  We can save money little by little and, when we do die, we can send our kids (or whatever surviving relatives we have) someplace beautiful for a vacation in our memory.

I mean, honestly, if you want someone to really remember you why not do something nice for them after death?

JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! One update this week.  You don't like it?  Too bad!  It's the second part of the five-part season finale!  Enjoy!

That's it for this week.  Join us again on Friday when the website churns itself into full gear again.