American Outlaws

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I would like to know exactly when Jesse James became classified as a teenybopper by Hollywood.  More than that, I want to know which big shot movie executive made the decision that Jesse James was a teenybopper so that, not only can I be responsible for his torture and death, but the torture and death of his family and all he or she cares about.

0American Outlaws is bad.  I’m talking Wild Wild West bad.  I’m talking Wing Commander bad.  This movie is so bad, it plays like a bad Saturday Night Live sketch.  Let me tell you, there’s nothing sadder than a funny movie that isn’t supposed to be funny.  This is the kind of movie you laugh at, not with.

Just when I’m starting to get a little hope for this horrible movie year, this movie comes along and kicks my nuts.  This movie is like American Pie set out in the old west.  It’s like a music video western by MTV made for attention deficit retards.  This is like a Teen Beat photo shoot with a western theme.  This movie is like a root canal without the Novocain.

The cast is made up of Colin Farrell who plays young Jesse James.  Apparently, he made a big critical splash with a movie called Tigerland, but I never saw it so fuck him.  If he has the presence of mind to appear in a piece of crap like this, he can’t be very talented.   Scott Caan is also in this movie.  This guy has been in a lot of bad movies, but at least I didn’t have to look at his ass this time around.   You’d think he’d go to a plastic surgeon and get him to look at that horribly disproportionate neck and tiny head he’s got.  I mean, come on… the kid’s deformed!   American Outlaws also stars the weakest James Bond ever, Timothy Dalton who has about as much place playing a bad guy as Jeremy Irons had in Dungeons & Dragons.  I didn’t recognize anyone else, but believe me… they all suck.  This entire movie sucked.  I hated it!  I hated it!  I hated it!

Skip this movie, it’s awful!  Unless you’re into watching young boys in tight jeans, hollow action, and a movie that’s so ridiculous it’s amazing that it didn’t go into a “Dude, where’s my horse?” bit, you will not like this movie.  People need to be shot over this movie… it’s just that bad.

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About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.