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Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

http://slightlywarped.com/aliens-vs-predator-requiem/

I am forgiving of a lot. I mean, hell, I liked the first Aliens vs. Predator movie despite its complete lack of teeth and testicles… I still found it a fun ride. Now they’ve give the sequel, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, plenty of teeth but still no balls and only half a brain. The result is a movie that is half of an all out assault on the senses and half of a dickless cop-out.

In whole, it’s a hundred percent annoying.

http://slightlywarped.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/avp3.jpgIt’s the modern day and not long after the events in AvP where an alien gestates inside a Predator creating the Predalien complete with a vagina mouth and dreadlocks (I don’t make this up, folks, so don’t blame me). The Predalien makes a general mess of things on the Predator ship which crashes in a mountain town leading to an alien infestation and nightmare for both the residents and anyone watching the movie.

This is my main complaint: Why did the Predator show up in the first place? I mean, the problem – and yes, I’m not going to spoil this piece of shit no matter how badly I want to – sorts itself out without his help. The humans survive without his help. The aliens die without his help. Hell, he’s not even in the movie for maybe thirty minutes – tops! AvP:R didn’t need him! This movie needed the Predator about as much as the World needs AvP:R!

This movie has tons of clichés all vying to be the most ridiculous and annoying. There’s a small band of survivors including the hero, the screw-up brother, the kid, the hot chick, the jock – all there, all irritating.

What’s more is that this movie goes out of its way to show us stuff we don’t want to see and keep the stuff we do want to see off camera. Wouldn’t you rather see the aliens pulling people out of cars on a crowded main street? Well, that’s too bad… what you will get is the giant Predalien killing babies and impregnating pregnant women in filmed behavior that borders on the cruel.

What’s worse than this is the laughable script and ridonkulous situations our band of bystanders stumble and bumble their way in to and, if you don’t think it’s fooping redonkulous, just get a load of the guy who gets impaled, survives but is near death, gets well enough to save someone else, survives a massive crash, gets near death again, but suddenly gets better when help arrive.

Fooping redonkulous.

This movie sucks. It’s probably killed not one, but two franchises… but at this point, it’s more of a mercy killing than anything.

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About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.