Alexander

http://slightlywarped.com/alexander/

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Oliver Stone takes on one of history’s greatest characters in Alexander.  It’s kind of funny, really, because my wife and I decided a long time ago that when and if we have a son, we’re naming him Alexander.  We’re not too sure on the middle name, yet, but I want it to be “The Great”.  She’s a little resistant to the idea, but I’ve got a while to work on her.

You want to know what isn’t so great, though?  It’s this movie!  This film is a plodding lumbering stinker of a historical epic ready to look good and expensive any chance it gets but at the same time, stumbling and gasping at a point and trying to find a focus.  It never does, so you basically sit through a movie desperately trying to discover what the hell it’s supposed to be about.

You can take several theories you can take from this movie… One, perhaps Alexander just conquered the world to get the hell away from his freakish mother who coils snakes around herself too make her look sexy?  Did Alexander cut a swath through the known world to impress his boyfriend?  Was he just depressed because of his bad dye-job?

Alexander is awful… I’m not kidding, folks, every negative thing you’ve heard about this monster is one hundred percent true.  The movie is a boring over-long and self-important mess and every actor and actress in this unspeakable turd gives the most hammy performance possible, almost as if you’re watching a high school production of this movie.

Colin Farrel is pretty terrible as Alexander lacking any kind of commanding presence and Angelina Jolie is downright laughable as she apparently channels Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle to play Alexander’s creepy mother.

This is a laughable failure of a movie that has tons of ambition but makes no sense, goes nowhere, does nothing, and trips and stumbles every step of the way with its cast of nauseatingly pretty people.

I do have to say, though, that this movie has some kickass period battle sequences that are among the best ever filmed.  That and that alone has kept Alexander from receiving my lowest rating.  If that’s incentive enough for you to check out this movie, don’t come crying to my later saying I didn’t give you a warning.

Call this, Alexander the Terrible.

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About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.