A Civil Conversation #3: “Crisis With Infinite Clowns”

When I was a kid, there was this thing called the Satanic Panic and it was this paranoia going around the country that there was this massive underground organization of Satanists that had their devilish fingers in every pie cooling on America’s window sill from the government to the military to the educational system to the police department.  Satanists were everywhere and they wanted your children’s souls!

Supposedly, they were kidnapping white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed children off the streets so that they could sacrifice them to the devil because, being white, blonde-haired, and blue-eyed meant that you were angelic or something.   Me, I was green-eyed, brown-haired, and ugly as hell, so I wasn’t worried.   My brother and sister, however, were prefect Aryan specimens and so, we were all on lockdown… especially around Halloween when these Satanists were supposed to be doing the majority of the kidnapping.  Seems to me they’d do it on a more opportunistic day like The 4th of July or Valentine’s Day when no one would be suspecting.   And who decided my brother and sister were angelic?   I grew up with them and they were complete a-holes.

This panic was so widespread that, as an elementary student, I distinctly remember a police officer coming to our school to talk to us about the dangers of Satanism because, in small town West Texas, it was apparently that big of an issue.   The things that stood out to me was that this police officer told us that the peace symbol was a sign of Satanism and that the Crest logo was praising the dark lord.   As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how absurdly stupid that presentation was and  that the officer was doing nothing more more regurgitating old urban legends he had probably gotten over the police department fax machine, the 1980’s version of the internet.   As an office of law and order, honesty probably would have kept more order than lying.

The Satanic Panic quieted down in the late 90’s and early 2000s as the fundamentalists and politicians exploiting it realized they could whip up their congregations into a bigger frenzy by talking about the gay agenda and Muslim sleeper cells but, like all moronic things in this country, the Satanic Panic didn’t go away, it merely hibernated and metamorphosized into something even stupider.

Welcome to the age of the Creepy Clowns.

God, I can’t believe I just read those words with it actually being a thing.

Today, America is gripped in moronic fear as sightings of creepy clowns all over the country is sending ordinary citizens, many of whom are at least partially educated,  into states of panic and, no  I’m not joking… schools are closing.   Schools!   Places where you’re supposed to be educated and develop an analytical and questioning mind so you’re not a complete moron and fall for things like Creepy Clown sightings are closing because people are saying that they saw clowns!


I’m actually embarrassed for this nation and, in the last few years, that’s saying something considering how used to being embarrassed  in this nation I am.

So, since the majority of America isn’t using theirs, let me put some minds at ease.   There is no underground network of killer clowns.  There is not a concerted effort by a gang of serial killers to kidnap your children and take them away.   Almost all of the creepy clown sightings your friends and Twitter and Facebook are saying happened didn’t happen.   It’s all bull.

Are there people dressing up as clowns to scare people?   Quite possibly!   What prankster couldn’t resist putting on a silly outfit and scaring gullible people?  Religions have been doing it for thousands of years!   Dressing up like a clown is probably not the smartest thing a person could do given that everyone in American and their dog has a gun, but are they actually hurting people?   Dragging the away?  Stabbing them with knives?  Of course not.  If they were, you’d be seeing it all over the news… unless the media is in on it.  Which they’re not.

We’re talking clowns… not the illuminati.  Which is also bull.  At least, that’s what I’ve been instructed to say.

I’m hearing parents talk about how they’re not going to let their children trick or treat this year and how they won’t even let them play in the yard anymore.   I’m hearing grown adults talk about shooting anyone they see in a clown costume on sight… because apparently, murder is a viable option because you’re scared of clowns.   Police are even talking about arresting people dressed up as clowns because I guess dressing up like a clown is an arrestable offense now?   Halloween night is probably going to be an interesting one at jails all over the country.   What if you’re not a clown, you’re just a whore who wears too much makeup and has tacky taste in clothes?   Where is the line drawn?  Is Ronald McDonald in jeopardy?   He’s killed more idiots with cholesterol than this supposed underground army of killer creepy clowns!

It’s time that we start treating this lingering hoax like the smelly fart that it is and start ridiculing anyone who spreads these kinds of rumors as the brainless parroting imbeciles that they are.   If that sounds harsh it’s because it was meant to be.  I wish I was born with more middle fingers so I could adequately express my disgust at everyone falling for this dumb shit with nary a thought about it.

America is riding a wave of anti-intellectualism where fact-checking is looked down on and everyone just swallows whatever Facebook tells them – you know, as long as it aligns with their current opinions and viewpoints.   This creepy clown foolishness will stick around for a few months, probably get exploited by the NRA or some other nefarious manipulative groups, and then disappear as one of those stories we’ll look back on and awkwardly change the subject about.

My grand-daddy has a saying:   The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.   He also had a another saying:  Believe all that you know, half of what you see, and not a goddamn thing you hear.   That’s a lesson the soft-headed slack-jawed ignoramuses could stand to learn if they have the capability to learn which I am beginning to doubt.

But the very fact that we have a Creepy Clown Panic in this country at all is humiliating as a thinking American.   Even more humiliating than having the human Cheeto as a serious contender for president.    If you honestly believe this teetering pile of bull, you should seriously be ashamed of yourself for being such an easily manipulated clod.   This is literally, the old bullshit recycled for a new age of imbecile.

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.