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November 16, 2009

It's been months since I've done one, people have been asking me when I'm going to do another, and I'm getting a little tired of all of the begging.  So, fine, I'm going to start doing the video reviews again.  Donner's Movie Reviews may be gone, but the old site will still live on youtube... or dailymotion if youtube is being a cunt.

So, enjoy the first installment of Donner's Movie Reviews since July.  I won't be doing these every time I see a movie, but I will at least try and hit the big ones.

Quick Joke #1

A wife is sitting in the living room reading a book when her husband walks in and says, "Baby, that meatloaf that you had on the stove was the best thing you ever cooked.  I ate the whole thing, it was so good."

The wife looks at him and says, "Meatloaf?  I didn't cook any meatloaf."

"Of course you did," the husband says, "It was in that blue bowl!"

The wife laughs, "Oh my god," she says, "That wasn't meatloaf!  That was dog food for Scruffy!"

The husband doesn't laugh, "I don't care what it is.  It's better than your cooking and that's what I want to eat from now on!"

Of course, the wife isn't going to argue because he pissed her off and so she goes and buys him dog food.  For weeks and weeks and weeks, it's all the man eats: canned dog food, smothered in Gravy Train with a doggie biscuit.  The same thing night after night after night.

The wife's anger ebbs and she starts to get worried and so, she goes to a doctor.  "Doctor," she says, "All my husband eats is dog food.  Is that healthy?"

"Healthy?" the doctor says in shock, "My God, woman!  That will kill the man!  You have to make him stop eating dog food immediately!"

The wife goes home and begs and pleads with her husband to stop eating the dog food.  The husband, stubborn and set in his ways, refuses and continues to eat it.

A couple of months go by and the doctor is walking down the road when he sees the wife walk out of a funeral home dressed in black.  "I told you!" he said pointing at her, "I told you that eating dog food would kill your husband!"

"Oh, he didn't die from eating the dog food," the wife tells him.

"He didn't?  What happened?"

"He was in the middle of the street licking his balls when he got hit by a truck."

Quick Joke #2

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die".

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied."

Quick Joke #3

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Fan Mail

i think that your website is fucking hilarious! the only thing is i love playing the games on your website but you havent gotten any new games...do you know when you will be getting new ones?
-gamer
 

Dear gamer,

Funny you should mention that...

Love,
Donner

	The Arcade Four new games to kill your productivity!
	Curiosities The toughest ghetto ever, a creepy root, and why men should never cheat.
	Critical Condition 2012: A look at the future... or at least a movie that will be ridiculously dated in a little over two years.

November 9, 2009

I've been taking Pamprin for my hand and, because of that, I think I'm on my period.  Dammit, I have some shit I have to get off my chest and then I'm going to eat chocolate.

1. I am so sick of seeing thuggy white kids at the mall walking around with Scarface on their T-Shirts, of seeing idiots with Scarface backgrounds on their myspace, or stumbling a goddamn Scarface image when I am surfing the web at night looking for good porn.

I hate to break it to you, but Scarface is such a goddamn overrated movie and the merchandise is only making fat white people rich. It's no more a statement than Che Guevara on a fucking T-shirt worn by people who have no idea who he is.

What's worse, I am so goddamn fucking sick of hearing the phrase "say hello to my little friend" in movies. SAYING THIS PHRASE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! IT WASN'T FUNNY THE FIRST ONE HUNDRED TIMES, IT WON'T BE FUNNY THE NEXT ONE HUNDRED TIMES! It's become the latest and most retarded cliché of badly written movies!

I'm just sick of it. I don't understand it. I want it to end. It's not cool, it's not a statement, it's just more idiots buying into corporate America's horseshit factory of manufactured icons.

2. If you write down the word "cool" as "kewl" you need to fucking die.

You're a blight to humanity and you are going out of your way to misspell a word. You're not even shortcutting out of some misguided sense of saving time. I don't understand it. "kewl," when spoken phonetically, doesn't even sound like "cool!" It sounds like "key-yule" and, if that's you're intention, it's fucking retarded!

Goddamnit, I want to rip your fucking tounge out of your mouth for buttfucking the English language with it and for assaulting my eyes every time I see this stupid word scrawled out in print.

Fucking die, "kewl" users!

3. Take the fucking campaign stickers off of your car already!  If you are still driving around with a McCain 2008 or Obama 2008 bumper sticker on your car, you're one of two things:

1) You're a sore looser in some sort of pussyish passive aggressive protest against the unfair democratic system that kept your man, John McCain, out of the White House.

2) You're a snooty prick who wants to rub the competition's nose in the fact that you helped get a black man elected.

Take these goddamn things off your car! It's over. We've got a winner, so stop being divisive on the road. I still see idiots on the road with campaign sticker from 2004 and 2000 on their cars - exactly what is this trying to prove? I took my Obama sticker off my car by December - there's no reason to bitch and moan or puff your chest out like an asshole.

4. We are shunning intelligence in today's society and that's just fucking stupid.  As a teacher, I see this all the time. In today's society, we see intelligence as an undesirable trait. Kids no longer want to be seen as smart because, for some reason, that's something to be ashamed of. In a society that worships the likes of Paris Hilton and The Jonas Brothers, I feel very certain that unless this trend is reversed, we will see the end very soon.

What makes me angry is that, while I am no tremendous intellect, I like to think that I'm a smart person and, when I make an observation or deliver a piece of information that people don't know, I receive looks and stares like I'm the idiot for knowing something that the general public does not. Why am I the stupid one for knowing something you don't? Where the fuck do you get off?'

Ladies in particular, really... the stupid act doesn't work. All it makes guys think is, I can totally fuck this bimbo and then dump her. It's not cute, it's goddamn annoying and you can burst into flames when you do it for all I care. Susan B. Anthony didn't fight for women's suffrage just because you could act like a retard because you're afraid knowing something will scare off a cute guy.

We need to value intelligence again. We need to stop shoving millions of dollars into sports programs and buy enough goddamn textbooks to go around. We need to stop idolizing morons who get arrested for dogfighting or doesn't know the difference between chicken and tuna.

5. Back in the 1800's, they used to brand cattle so that everyone would know who owns the flatulating gas bags that roamed the open plains. Amazingly, this practice is not only still going, but it has evolved into something very annoying and very wrong.

Let's say I want to go buy a car. I save up 20 to 30 thousand dollars and make a purchase and, as soon as they bring me my hybridized pussy wagon to me, glistening in the sunlight, they've added something new - a sticker or big plastic label of the dealership logo glued - fucking glued - to the back of my car.

What the fuckadiddle? Who do these cheap suit wearing cowboy boot fucks think they are? I just blew thirty grand and they glue their goddamn logo to the back of my car? My 30 thousand dollar car? Do they honestly expect me to not only give them half of my yearly salary, but give them free advertising too?

The most infuriating part is that these motherfuckers didn't build the goddamn car, they just sold it. It's like some assclown running up behind you and painting "Wal-Mart" on the jeans you just bought.

If you ever want to have fun, go buy a new car and tell them that you don't want a dealership sticker on their back of it. Watch their heads explode. It's like you just asked to assrape their daughter.

Goddamnit, either give me a five thousand dollar discount for displaying your logo or get that fucking thing off my car!

...

Now where the fuck is my chocolate?

Quick Joke #1

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit. However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."

Quick Joke #2

What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters.""

Quick Joke #3

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" the husband asked the man.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Fan Mail

Jason,

That's some funny shit on your website and your photos of Halloween decorations are even better.  Homemade tombstones are instant classic. You should sell them to spencer gifts or someone. I am snorting with laughter. Thanks I needed it!

Billy White

Dear Billy White,

Thank you for your kind and accurate words regarding the awesomeness of not only the Slightly Warped Website, but of me as well.  I have considered selling custom tombstones before and perhaps I will in the future on this website.  But through Spencer's Gifts?  Sorry, if anyone is going to make a disgusting markup on the prices of my merchandise, I think I can do that myself!

Love,
Donner

	Curiosities More weird stuff like a luxury bomb shelter and crazy insane game console mods.
	Critical Condition We take a long look at the long-delayed Trick 'r Treat and we like what we see!
	Idle Musings Pop over to The Very Warped Website where 80-71 of the Star Trek Character Countdown has been posted!

November 2, 2009

The Very Warped Website

Halloween has come and gone and what a fun one it was.  The spirit of the season was with me as was evidenced by the pea soup and killing of clergy.

For the first time in fifteen years, I got to plan and set up a Haunted House.  It wasn't a huge one and was assembled in just six hours, but it had over 700 visitors in just two house and actually had to be shut down so the volunteers could go home.  I won't post pictures of it because, for one, I don't have any and, for two, it was at my work and if they knew I was doing this site, they would probably fire me.  God knows, if I was the boss, I would.

The high point of the evening is that we made a 14 year-old pee her pants.

Anyway, I have pictures of my Halloween Haunt below and on my Flikr page if you want to see them.

Visit my flickr page, bitch!

So, I'm sure that a lot of you would like to know why I haven't been updating the Ghost Gallery this month, especially since it was Halloween and all.  In case you haven't checked out The Very Warped Website - our once replacement and now sister site - we will be spinning The Ghastly Ghost Gallery into a new website, The Mists of Mystery where, not only will we showcase ghosts, but other mysteries as well such as cryptozoology, UFOs, and more.

This site will take a serious look at these phenomenon and frankly discuss them as I do on The Ghastly Ghost Gallery, so if you're looking for a crap site that shows orbs and screams, "there's a ghost!" look somewhere else!

That's coming soon.  Keep your eyes open for it.

Quick Joke #1

A young farm lad from New Prague goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends him the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!""

Quick Joke #2

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly.

The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Quick Joke #3

A woman's well-endowed husband dies, and a week before the funeral she is contacted by the funeral parlor.

"I'm afraid we have a slight complication. Your husband died with an erection and his - ahem - penis is far too big for us to be able to get the lid on. We're going to need to remove it, and were wondering if it would be okay to place it at his side in the coffin... "

"I would prefer it if you inserted it into his anus. His children will be saying goodbye to him, and I don't want them to have to see that monstrous thing."

"But madam -"

"It's what he would have wanted," she insisted.

The day of the funeral arrives, and it is an open casket affair. Dressed in black, his wife goes up to the coffin. She notices a tear that has formed in the corner of her dead husband's eye.

"Hurts, doesn't it?" she says.

Fan Mail

Jason,

WTF. You tell us you are a rich man after selling slightlywarped.com. As a long-time fan, I was obediently checking for new posts at verywarped.com. Then I go back to the old site and you are posting stuff there again. Did the sale fall through and you are forced to eat Ramen now?

Sincerely,

Atlas Mugged

Dear a Atlas Mugged,

Alas, it is true.  I will not be selling slightlywarped.com and the site remains in my possession for the foreseeable future until someone offers me the millions of dollars I think it's worth.

For your information, however, I like Ramen for the taste and not for the price.

Love,
Donner

	Starseeker It's the third and final part of the crossover with The Liam Smith Show as Liam and his gang team up with the Starseeker crew to take on the forces of Area 51 to save Brin's life!
	The Halloween Haunt Pictures from Donner's Halloween Haunt and a tutorial on how to make your own headstone!
	Curiosities Whoa!  A Suicide Forest, Arnold's pissy note, and News Captions so tragic, they are hilarious!
	Critical Condition Where the Wild Things Are, Saw VI, and Paranormal Activity!